How I Failed to Love My Husband

Ever woke up one morning and just couldn’t stand the sight of your husband/wife? Maybe it was the way he woke you up. Could be he didn’t put the toilet seat down, so you fell in the middle of the night… happened to me quite a few times ugh. You can come up with a full list of reasons, blame it on lack of sleep. For me it was early summer, kids were home and had a lot going on. I found myself irritable with Max. Everything he did irked me, his smile, the way he kept breathing up all my air! Finally, I got some girl time and we did what most girls do… talk crap. I’m just kidding we vent, we confide in one another. Anywho so, I mention to my cousin that Max and I were butting heads.  The majority of the time he didn’t do anything wrong. He was kind, patient, just assumed it was a PMS problem. There were times it’d be the other way around, he’d be the moody one. And I’d assume he was having PMS problems.

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Well back to the story my cousin tells me about, “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts” by Gary Chapman. She encouraged me to read it and take the 5 Languages of Love Quiz with Max. To be honest I thought love is love. It’s either you love them or you don’t, you show appreciation, communicate, pick your fights and that’s it. After taking the quiz, I realized during the 10 years we’ve been together I have failed to love Max the way he should be.

Everyone has their own point of views, way of thinking, and love language.  It’s just as difficult as Chinese from English as Chapman mentions in this book. If your spouse spoke another speaking language you had no sense of, you’d never know how to love each other. Chapman also says the reason to these 5 different love languages are everyone’s up bringing’s. He says we learn to love from our parents and siblings that is our primary language. We pick up other languages along the way. The reason why we learn this later in our relationship is because we are no longer trying to make an impression. The fireworks are gone and we are comfortable so we don’t feel the need to put all the effort we did in the very beginning. Life is hard, we get busy no one’s judging it’s okay. Better to find out now, than when things get worse. So, he mentions the 5 love languages…

  1. Words of Affirmation:

Express your love through words. Many believes actions speaks louder than words (this part comes in later). Yes, that is true, but to hear a compliment or a thank every so often says a lot as well. I read in a post from Pao Chang, “words are powerful because they carry energy, sound and frequency, which are some of the building ‘blocks’ of matter.” That’s intense but it’s true. A simple, “you’ve stolen a pizza my heart” will mean something. I know that is the corniest line ever!  But I love corny, I am corny! Anyways let’s get back on track. So, Chapman advises saying encouraging, kind, humble words supports this love language. Write love notes every so often, say a compliment every once and awhile.

  1. Quality Time:

Now this does not mean you sitting next to your other half on your phone while they are watching a movie. No… it’s actual quality time spent together. I am at fault lots of time. Kids keep me busy so I think it’s okay to be folding clothes while Max is watching a movie. I thought it qualifies but it doesn’t. Chapman brings up an example of a father playing with his young son rolling a ball. His attention is not on the ball it is on his son. He then says, if the father is on his phone while sitting with his son playing with the ball. His attention is not on his son it is on the phone. Getting the drift? Interact, listen and observe. Do something together, take a walk, find activities to do together those are great ideas.

  1. Receiving Gifts

No, no I know what you’re thinking… no your other half is not a gold digger. Gifts can come in other ways besides spending money. Gifts is a token to show that you were thinking of your other half or remembered them. Pick a flower (I bug Max all the time with this), a box of chocolate can do, or even yourself can be a gift. (I’m not talking about getting it on) Just your presence there for the important times is what matters. Now again I don’t mean you there physically and you’re on the phone or watching the game. Interact with your spouse/partner.

  1. Acts of Service

Does the trash need to be taken out? Grass need a cut? Maybe if you do it for your husband he’d appreciate. Acts of Service could be his love language. Doing a chore that your spouse/partner usually does is an act of service. Maybe cook dinner tonight for your wife, I am pretty sure she’d appreciate that. Anything done for your other half without being told means more than you think. Even changing the little ones poop diaper is a gift!

  1. Physical Touch

Saving the best for last…. I’m just kidding. Holding hands shows your loved one that you folks still got it. As I said earlier “actions speak louder than words” and they do. A hug at the door or a kiss goodbye is a way of communicating. Cuddling during a movie is always the best and of course doing business behind closed doors is another way. All these physical touches reassure that there is love there and it’s not going anywhere. You’re speaking their language and they’d appreciate it.

Gary Chapman has brought up many good points that is very helpful. Might seem like they’re little things, remember it’s the little things that counts. You want to stop the resentment before it happens, and this is the start. You honestly don’t want to be arguing whether the toilet seat belongs up or down. When the root of the argument is because you wouldn’t hold his/her hand in the grocery store. Just saying… in all honesty folks I encourage reading this book. I am not much of a reader, but I am glad I read this one. I found mines on Amazon, click here -> “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts” by Gary Chapman. There is also an app “The 5 Love Languages” it is free. On the app you can find your love language on there as well and it includes a Love Language Challenge that is fun. It is a 5-week challenge and it is a guide to help you to speak your loved one’s language. If any of you do the challenge I’d love to hear how the experience went! If you didn’t see it earlier below I will have the links to the quiz and the book as well. Wishing all you couple out there the very best. Till then…

“The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts” by Gary Chapman.

5 Languages of Love Quiz

Keep Smiling & have a blessed day!!



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